My alcoholism and I faced off when I was 28. My boss confronted
me after I took a short "break" to get a hotdog, or more accurately, three vodka
martinis. He asked me if I had a drinking problem. From somewhere inside me I
answered that I had a terrible problem with alcohol. He told me that he had been
sober in AA for seven years and wanted to take me to a meeting. My introduction
into AA stretched from that September evening through two primary treatment programs
and a three-month halfway house.
I started with no conception of a sober life. While I earnestly
desired the troubles in my life to cease, I lacked the basic skills to have a
life without drinking. Each step I took was a defensive one; a fallback position
to bolster me against employers, family, and friends who were baffled and hurt
by my inability to not drink.
Over the past 17 years I've realized the ambitions I grew up
with. Confronting the reality of my addiction, being part of a fellowship, trusting
God, and asking for help slowly but surely gave me a day to day way of living
that addiction (beginning at age 15) had robbed me of. The daily practice of faith
and the good orderly direction of the 12-steps are blessings that took my life
from almost complete unmanageability to fulfillment and satisfaction I had no
idea existed. The Promises of AA have come true for me and; I have in my life
the most supportive, loving fellow travelers imaginable.
Despite these blessings, I found that not drinking wasn't enough.
My life was still made-up of the dependent relations I had developed over a lifetime.
Nowhere was this clearer than when I entered therapy to please a would-be lover.
I was unable (and unwilling) to let go of these dependent relationships. Through
my wholehearted commitment to 12-step and other communities (at work, in my family,
in my love life), I reinforced a hierarchy that kept me in a state of incompleteness.
This faith in hierarchy allowed me to remain a passive participant requiring others
for validation and approval; lacking an inner sense of what I wanted or who I
was.
My commitment to dependency had worked for me. I had been successful
in "the game of life", even with the handicap of addiction. I was able to please
my parents, win the praise of my peers, and accomplish professional goals with
these skills.
The costs were high: the costs of sense of self, shame, double-binds,
lost conflicts. Repeatedly I was in a power dynamic fighting for something I couldn't
feel or see. The longer I remained sober the clearer and more painful these patterns
became.
I entered therapy with Michael Picucci, who was then completing
his first book on Stage Two recovery. The notion of a second stage of recovery
gave me a much bigger "hoop" to jump through. It addressed issues and feelings
that I had but did not feel comfortable going into in AA. Stage two was nonjudgmental
in the most personal ways. It articulated feelings and desires that were more
ancient than my addiction. It offered me a new vision based on authenticity that
acknowledged the transference that I imparted into most of my relationships (including
sexual).
I joined Michael's Stage Two recovery group, using the manuscript
of Complete Recovery as our text. The group focused on Michael's vision of Authentic
Process Therapy. This utilized a whole recovery model based on the dynamics of
shared intent and mirroring based in a supportive community. He, the people who
helped him, and all of the group members were the community, representing a new
relationship among us that supported authenticity and discouraged the transference
so often present between patients and therapist. This community disarmed many
of my defenses and my highly structured dynamics.
Michael took us through fundamental barriers to our authenticity
-- our masks of composure, the cultural contexts of our pain and beliefs, our
psycho-isolation, and our grief and loss. Against this background we were introduced
to Stage Two's twelve stations, a sequence of understanding and growth leading
inevitably to the "fruits of the tree" - the point where we were once again whole.
As in the other spiritual transitions in my life, my intellect
was way ahead of my heart. The evidence of the truth of this work and the shared
beliefs of my community kept me there. I often left sessions puzzled as to what
the point was. I did not have the cause/effect measures that I learned in AA.
My feelings remained unchanged for awhile.
But other things were starting to happen. I began to define what
I wanted in the primary relationship in my life and began to feel discontent with
my successful career. The simple awareness that these sessions had awakened was
beginning to sink in, disarming many of my long and dearly held fears and defenses.
I'm not the kind of person who has epiphanies. I have to try
on, challenge, and control every aspect of my existence. I believe in pre-established
hierarchy and following the rules. I have been a good second son, vice-president,
and little brother. I believe in an orderly progression from one point to the
next. These are themes and behaviors that have played a part in all of my endeavors.
The work we were doing in group threw light on all of these tendencies. This had
the strange effect of creating a deeper sense of who I was and (for me the all
important) why.
That was five years ago. In that time I have left my primary relationship
and my job. I have set out within the last year to allow my own dreams and desires
some room to grow. I believe that my fear and loneliness provide me with a path
to strength and fulfillment. I have the most holistic and shame free sense of
myself that I have ever had. And I have the belief and faith in the fruits of
this work that include Creativity, Grace, Accomplishment, Knowing , and Intimacy.
This work has challenged my core survival apparatus and given
me new tools to move into the new Millennium with. The daily maintenance of these
tools is essential for the proper spiritual conditions to prevail. This I have
been learning for the last seventeen years and it is as important to Stage Two
as it is to Stage One. I seem to be happiest with a challenge and this work has
opened doors that will keep me challenged for the rest of my life. It has been
frighteningly difficult and has forced me to swallow large chunks of truth about
the people in my life and how I deal with them. The rewards have been an emerging
sense of self I never had; and the potential for choices in my life that were
completely unavailable without that.
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