Jason's dialogue and story below represents a composite of
many clients. It represents typical addiction recovery work in Authentic Process
Healing.
Jason's Story
Jason is a single, 32-year-old, Irish-Catholic who had been in
Cocaine Anonymous recovery for two years. Though he had adapted fairly well to
his self-help group and remained abstinent from addictive substances, he entered
Authentic Process Therapy in depression and with serious financial difficulties.
He was an attorney at a medium-sized firm. He reported that he "hated" his job
and his profession. Additionally, he shared with me that his cocaine use was directly
related to his sexual activity, which became almost nonexistent in recovery, and
that he had never had a significant, intimate relationship in his life.
In our third session, Jason asked the question that signaled an
opportunity for education, "What is wrong with me?" I answered his question, explaining
that my response was drawn from personal experience and observations with recovering
people. Our dialogue follows.
Jason: What's wrong with me? I hate my work, I am underachieving
and I don't know what I want to do. Other people seem to know what they want.
I don't think I ever really wanted to be a lawyer. I am smart, reasonably attractive,
and personable. Why am I so afraid? Why don't I know what I want? What is wrong
with me?
M.P.: I don't believe there is anything wrong with you. We have all been
stunted, constricted and/or confused by historic cultural and personal traumatic
impingements on our being. Until we resolve and dissolve the frozen energy in
these repressed traumatic conflicts we feel there is something wrong with us.
Many recovering people have lost touch with their deepest sense of "self." This,
among other things, is the part that gives us a sense of wonder and interest.
When our wonder and interest are ignited, we anticipate exploring with energy
and enthusiasm.
Jason (after intensely listening in a trance-like state): What do you mean,
I have no self? I hear what you are saying, and it rings true for me, but I don't
understand it.
M.P.: Let me try to explain. As you probably have already figured out, drugs
served as an escape for you; an escape from having to deal with internal feelings,
conflicts and perhaps inadequacies. Additionally, your cocaine served as a defense.
Not only did it defend you from your own inner turmoil, but more importantly,
it prevented others from seeing these hidden conflicts as well. People often report
in their therapy that they are only somewhat aware of this escape mechanism at
first. Little by little they realize what it was doing to them and that it was
all concealed under a membrane of shame; a shame which perhaps existed because
they, or you, felt inadequate to resolve the conflicting feelings and double binds.
Jason: What you are saying seems to make sense. In a strange way, I like
hearing it. I'm just not sure that I'm getting it all.
M.P.: You don't have to. With the level of intention for healing that you
are bringing to this therapy, my words will probably resonate in deeper levels
of your consciousness. This is good, as they will be able to permeate your psyche,
eventually resurfacing in a way that may be even more meaningful and personal
for you.
Jason: Okay, if what you are saying is true, how do I find this deeper
sense of self?
M.P.: You have already begun the process. Your recovery from drug addiction
was the beginning. You've removed the first layer of defense. That took a lot
of courage, yet you persevered, accepted help, and you have gained self-respect
because of it. The dissolving of, or developing management over, other debilitating
defenses and energy blocks will also take courage, help and commitment. Of course,
I think you intuitively knew that. My guess is that you have come to therapy for
this purpose. To me, it means that you are ready to do the next stage of this
work, and I will bring whatever experience and knowledge that I have to help you.
Jason: What is it that I need to do? How will I know?
M.P.: Before you leave today, I will give you a graphic illustration of
a model for working through Stage Two of your recovery. I call it The Living Map. You can take it home with you, think about it, and we can discuss
any questions you may have at your next session.
Jason: Okay, I'd like that.
M.P.: In preparing for the model, I want to take a few minutes to discuss
that membrane of shame I referred to earlier. Does that resonate with you at all?
When you're around others, or even with yourself, do you feel like something amorphous
is holding you back?
Jason: Well, I certainly feel held back in all areas of my life, but I'm
not sure if that's shame. I don't even know what I should be shameful about. Sometimes
I feel embarrassed for no reason, just for being me.
M.P.: Shame is an interesting emotion. When it is internalized and masked
in childhood and adolescence, it sort of takes on a life of its own. From that
point on it surfaces like a wall or barrier. On an unconscious level, it makes
you feel that self-exposure is dangerous and it sends up powerful signals, sometimes
feeling like brick walls, to hold you back. On an adult, conscious level you may
want to move forward and engage yourself, while this unconscious force keeps you
locked in conflict. That is the way shame tends to manifest in recovering people.
After allowing shame to surface, and then non-judgmentally accepting it, a natural,
organic dissolving takes place, like clouds dispersing in the wind. It no longer
has a reason to be; repression and judgment can no longer hold the shame in place,
and so the energy disintegrates. With the acknowledgment and recognition of this
shame, more options and deeper self-understanding become available.
Jason: Well, I certainly have the barriers, the walls, especially with
sex. What do I do with these walls, or shame, and how can I get beyond it all?
M.P.: Initially, you only need to become aware of the barriers and shame.
As you study the tree diagram I am giving you, particularly Stage Two, be aware
that you may have barriers that will prevent you from engaging in it. These barriers
may cause you to resist the entire stage or aspects of it. I suggest that you
study it in a relaxed state and with an open mind. While you read, note if any
thoughts or feelings pop through "cracks" in the metaphorical wall of shame. As
you relax and open your mind, long-forgotten memories may be revealed to you.
Also, watch your dreams if you have them; often they are insightful. This will
all be very helpful to your process.
Jason: One last question. If I do have internalized shame, and if it's in
the walls and conflicts, will I know what I am shameful about and will I be able
to free myself of it?
M.P.: There are a few things I feel comfortable assuring you of: If you
bring the same determination and will to live to this work as you brought to your
primary addiction addiction recovery, you will resolve these painful and frustrating
barriers. By the time the process nears completion, you will have not only identified
the varied aspects of your shame and traumatic conflicts, but you will have transformed
them into substantive, important parts of your personal history You will have
created a stronger, more integrated foundation and you will feel more empowered
and free. With this new integration emerges the useful sense of self we spoke
about earlier.
Jason came to his next session with a few insights and questions.
Gradually he went on to resolve his conflicts, cultural pain, and shame-based
sexuality issues. He discovered how his shame fueled a repetition compulsion that
kept him blindly in a work and debt situation that re-created energetic feeling
dynamics from his childhood and family-of-origin. These are the opposing forces
within us: on the one hand we pay homage to old family values that we don't subscribe
to and on the other hand, we recognize our own real desires based on our current
adult experience. There can be quite a deep pull to each of these conflicting
directions and an enormous amount of energy is released when there is energetic
resolution to the conflict.
Jason's story is excerpted The
Journey Toward Complete Recovery: Reclaiming Your Emotional, Spiritual & Sexual
Wholeness by Michael Picucci .
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