by Evan Pritchard

Below are some of the extremes that have come out of "fall in love" relationships that are based on cultural misconceptions, plus an offering of complex "real love" balancing possibilities.

Codependency Extremes:

Extreme A: I hate your behavior but I can't afford to bring it up because I would be lost without you. (Codependency)
Extreme B: I'd love to get close to you, but I can't afford to become emotionally involved and get hurt. (Independant ie not in a relationship with anyone but themselves)

Balance: We help each other become more powerful both as individuals and as a unit, by trading our knowledge, skills, insights. We delicately and respectfully negotiate with one another so that all needs and challenges of each find rest and understanding in the invisible third entity. (Interdependent)

Parental Extremes:

Extreme A: I would never want you to be in any danger, either emotionally or physically. To show you I love you, I will prevent you from taking chances, going out of my way to provide a safe environment for you at any cost. (Over-protective)
Extreme B: I know it hurts me more than it hurts you, but it's better you deal with the hard facts and learn them from me. You'll be a stronger person for it. Don't come crying on my shoulder. (Not Compassionate).

Balance: We are not afraid to ask for help, or, sometimes give it when asked, but are firm about our boundaries (what's not okay with us). If one of us feels crowded, the other backs off. We have an agreement that we'll not assume anything about the other, and treat our verbal agreements as negotiable contracts.

Winning and Losing Extremes:

Extreme A: I love winning arguments. We'll get along fine as long as you listen to me. (My Way is Right Approach)
Extreme B: I don't care about winning arguments, my ego is not at stake. You have your way. As long as we work together. I can imagine myself in your shoes. (Open Minded Doormat Approach)

Balance: Both of us need our opinions heard, and need to be a part of the decision making process, so we don't feel resentful. Both of us have good ideas when it comes to solving problems. Both of us need to "put ourselves in the other's shoes," and listen deeply.

Sensitivity Extremes:

Extreme A: What about me? Why can't you be more concerned with my feelings? I am very sensitive. (Stuck On Self-Sensitivities)
Extreme B: I am totally wrapped up in you, and feel everything you feel. My emotional needs aren't important, as long as you love me. (Lost at Sea Approach)

Balance: We both listen to the other about our needs and sensitivities, and so both of us feel satisfied and nurtured.

Equally Extreme:

Extreme A: I love myself, but you can bask in my glow if you like. (Hello Moth, My Name is Fire Approach)
Extreme B: I love only you, see only you. I am nothing compared to you. (Moth To A Flame Approach)

Balance: We are a union, we are equal partners, giving of ourselves equally to each other, though we may each give differently. We believe in the magical power of two. We both practice deep listening.

Transference Extremes:

Extreme A: I need to be free of responsibilities as I was as a child. I need you to take care of me, not be an authority figure. (Peter Pan Approach)
Extreme B: I need to be controlled as I was as a child so I won't go out and hurt myself or do something stupid. I need you to set limits on my addictions. (Little Lost Boy/Girl)

Balance: We work together as a team; neither one being the parent or child. Occasionally we affectionately play the parental role for the other, and enjoy the same in return. Our relationship is a circle of energy and action.

Extremes of Perfection:

Extreme A: Love must be perfect and wonderful all the time. If anything goes wrong, that's it. I quit. I have other fish to fry. (Bold Idealist)
Extreme B: Love stinks. I can't live with ya and can't kill ya, so I put up with alot of crap for the sake of the relationship. In the end it doesn't matter. As long as I have somebody. If we broke up, there might not be anyone else for a long time. (I'll Settle For Less)

Balance: Our love is like cooking; we break a few eggs when we make an omelette. However, we always throw away the shells when we're done, and wash the utensils too. We like to resolve everything we can before it builds up. We talk it over and let it go. We stick together not out of fear, but from conscious commitment.

Extreme Boundaries:

Extreme A: You and I are one..forever. We are alike in so many ways. There are no barriers between us__I'm sure you agree. There is just us versus the world. Honey, let me do that for you...(No Boundaries/Mystical Union Railroad)
Extreme B: I am a rock, I am an island... and an island never cries. Since we're married, you can sit on my island, but I'm sure not going to give you a map. (Isolationist/I Can Do It Myself)

Balance: We have healthy boundaries. We both have our territories staked out, and have worked out understandings about how to share things. We are not afraid to stand in opposition to each other on certain issues. We prefer different TV shows and activities, spend time alone or with others, as well as together.

Sexual Extremes:

Extreme A: Life's uncertain, so have dessert first. Let's have lots of sex, party, and have fun. That's what relationships are about anyway. (Is There Life After Sex? Approach)
Extreme B: Relationships are very serious. I never saw my parents kiss or fool around. They had a spiritual relationship. Once we live together, we have to be serious and responsible. We have to think of the future. What if we had kids? Adopted? Sex isn't that important when compared to..... (Relationships and Sex Don't Mix)

Balance: It's always difficult to overcome the sexual-spiritual (love) split that we learned as children. That's why couples need to talk about spirituality and sex at the same time, not only what is uplifting about it but what turns them on.

Monogomy Extremes:

Extreme A: We're a couple and if you start seeing someone else I'll be devastated and never speak to you again.
Extreme B: You're not as sexual as me, so naturally I'm going to get my needs met where I can. Sometimes we don't have sex together for a whole week so I'll mess around like everyone else does, hey, it's the 21st Century.

Balance: We both understand and respect each other's sensibilities and comfort zones. We don't abuse them. Instead of making demands and rules, we negotiate through our desires, needs, fantasies and sensitivities. If necessary, we get help in doing so. We never forget who the primary relationship is with and don't let anyone come between us or hurt the "third entity." The only relational guidelines that matter are the ones that we create respecting one another's needs and spiritual growth. We learn the basics of sacred sexuality, a source of buoyant energy for the union.

Extreme Effort:

Extreme A: My love for you is just a reflection of God's love, and so I shouldn't have to work at it. God put us together as soul mates, so it should require no effort. (Easy Street/ Money Grows on Trees and So Do Relationships Approach)
Extreme B: Love is all about extending yourself to the limit, giving your all, using all your willpower to make it work. Any two people can hammer out a relationship if they just try hard enough. (Beating a Dead Horse Approach)

Balance: Even though the overall "chemistry" is there between us, we still need to work at it. Life is full of unexpected challenges, so we both need to commit to extending ourselves for one another, and to keep growing spiritually. Feeling love is a good point of departure but it's not enough.

Practical Extremes:

Extreme A: We don't work well together, but we're SO in love, we don't care. (Bliss Ninny)
Extreme B: We work well together but there's no passion at all. We're compatible, but its more like a business partnership. (Chairman/woman of the Bored of Relationships)

Balance: We look at the bigger picture, and try to develop "the whole package." We do romantic things for each other, but nail down our agreements and areas of responsibility as if we were a mini-corporation.

Extremes of Passion (but is it love?):

Extreme A: I can't live without you. If you left me I'd just die.
Extreme B: If I tried to leave, you'd probably kill me. So what else can I do?

Balance: We both experience real love for each other, and so we offer freedom to each other. At the same time we have come to a decision to be together for the long haul.

Financial Extremes:

Extreme A: Why worry about money? When you have love, you have everything. By the way, we're losing the house at the end of the month, honey.
Extreme B: What are you complaining about? Of course I'm not around to raise the kids, I'm out making money. How do you think you can afford to buy all those expensive clothes? Don't ask questions.

Balance: We plan time together to discuss our mutual financial needs and strategies; We also plan time together for play and meaningful discussion.

Extreme Honesty:

Extreme A: I saw a (man/woman) on the street today that was twice as attractive as you, but I didn't pursue. (Brutal honesty, inappropriate disclosure. "Thanks for Sharing!")
Extreme B: I think you're the greatest and most attractive person who ever lived. I would never look at or fantasize about another (man/woman). (Total non_disclosure ie BS)

Balance: We are committed to having an honest relationship, and are willing to go through occasional discomfort to achieve it. However, we are always respectful of each others' feelings.

Psychological Extremes:

Extreme A: Its all my fault that the relationship isn't working out. I just don't have what it takes. (Cringing Neurotic)
Extreme B: You're right, for once! Its all your fault that the relationship isn't working out. You just don't have what it takes. (Bullying Personality Disorder Type)

Balance: As the song goes, "It's a little bit me, it's a little bit you...too!" We both take turns pointing out areas that need improvement, and admitting our own shortcomings as well as acknowledging what's working.

Breaking Up Extremes:

Extreme A: You're going to leave me sooner or later, so I'll leave you first. (Paranoid Pre-emptive Strike)
Extreme B: You're too insecure to talk about breaking up as a possibility, so I'll plan my getaway in secret. (Serves you right approach)

Balance: We agree to commit ourselves to improving the relationship, including expressing both our satisfactions and dissatisfactions in a compassionate way, without threats. We listen to one another. If we both agree it can never work, we agree to be respectful without malice and revenge in transforming our relationship .

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