Marta Helliesen, Ph.D., M.S., L.M.T.
I work as a professional sex therapist/educator in New York City. I offer a safe space for people to heal sexual wounds, discover new or different aspects of their sexuality, and transform destructive sexual patterns into constructive sexual energies.
In my eyes sexuality is a central part of who we are as human beings, and therefore I don’t work with a single sexual symptom in isolation. I believe the symptom reflects an imbalance within the person or between the person and the environment, and my aim is to support the person in gaining balance and integration. In today’s society, sexuality is often split off from the rest of the person and rarely is it connected to a person’s spirituality. If we look back to ancient times there were women called “sacred prostitutes” who worked in the temples and men, particularly after returning from war, would go to them to regenerate their souls and rekindle their divine spark of life. In this tradition there were no distinctions between sexuality and spirituality. In today's society there are few or no places for soul regeneration. Stress, exhaustion, and competition lead to physical blockages that can manifest as reduced sex drive, sexual dysfunction, sexual compulsion or sexual numbness. Often when people experience these symptoms they feel there is something "wrong" with their sexuality, and consequently feel shame and judgment, which in turn lead to secrecy and silence.
I work with all genders, and I am honored to be trusted and of help to such an array off courageous people. My clients come for various reasons, for example, problems reaching orgasm, problems obtaining and maintaining erections, sexual shame, sexual compulsions, sexual confusion, sexual deprivation, kinky sexual desires, lack of desire, relationship problems, gender issues and more. By the time they reach me they have often tried a number of therapy modalities, and can feel defeated and discouraged. On the initial meeting with a client, I am interested in their sexual history and what brought them to me, as well as their intention for this healing process. The form of our work is different if a person wants to "get rid of" a particular habit or compulsion, versus wanting to come to a place of acceptance of it. In either case, a transformation needs to take place as our minds are not designed to throw things out, only to mold differently what is already there. Even though we can stop sexual activity per se, we cannot stop being sexual. We are sexual beings, born with a need for intimacy and touch, as well as food and sleep. As much as our society encourages us to eat and sleep, it discourages us from sexual intimacy.
In working with clients I introduce sex as a bigger concept than the narrow notion of heterosexual intercourse. Sex and eroticism is not confined to the genitals, every part of the body, from head to toe, has erotic potential. It is the intention with which one touches, and the intention with which one perceives, that creates an erotic experience. I also emphasize the importance of allowing awkwardness to be present, both in my sessions and in the client’s erotic home life. We are not born knowing how to be erotic, how to have sex or how to please others or ourselves, and society offers no mentoring. I conscientiously and explicitly provide a safe space in which the client is invited to be ignorant or curious, and ask questions. I engage my clients in an interactive, open discussion concerning their sexuality, and over time this leads to acceptance and integration.
My sessions are designed according to what issues the particular client is struggling with. I facilitate an opportunity for the client, through mind and body awareness, to discover and experience their erotic energy in a way that feels safe and perhaps new and different than their previous notion of eroticism. Many clients have come to me stating a compulsive need for a particular type of sex and have subsequently discovered that what they really needed was something very different, like being intimate or just held. Compulsive and repetitive sexual patterns often create a narrow framework for sexuality, but by feeling safe and supported a client can greatly expand their erotic spectrum. In order to help my clients in their process, I cannot be a blank screen, as it is through relating with another human being that we discover who we are. I therefore actively engage in a non-intrusive, honest, moment-to-moment interaction with the client, out of which a transformative healing process emerges.
I have had female clients diagnosed with Vaginismus who have been unable to have pleasurable sex for years, or sometimes never, who have later “skipped” out of my office ready to catch up for lost years. Other women have felt numb, dry, an-orgasmic, or asexual, and through breath work, movement, and therapeutic touch, their sense of a "locked" pelvis has been replaced with a sense of aliveness, pleasure, and permission. I have had clients with prostate cancer and breast cancer whose healing has involved re-discovering, embracing and expressing their sexuality in a whole new and deeply pleasurable way. Other clients with erectile problems or rapid ejaculation have discovered the connection between their problems and worrying minds, and with my help have been able to “get out of their minds and into their senses,” and live fulfilling erotic lives.
Authentic sex takes time, trust, vulnerability, awkwardness, communication, and willingness to go into the unknown. By giving my clients a space to experience themselves in a different way, they realize their own potential as sexual beings, and are able to bring that potential into their lives as a constructive force, with their family, partner or work. When we reach a place of acceptance and integration of our sexuality we can enjoy and thrive on it without fear of acting on it inappropriately or "it" taking hold of us. Thus, we can experience freedom in ourselves.
Through my years of working in this field it has become clear to me how essential an integrated form of sexual therapy is in today's society. I find it rewarding as well as challenging to facilitate and witness a client's journey towards sexual health.
Marta invites your questions/comments about this article
and/or her work..