byJoe Golden
I am a soon to be 40 year old gay white male with an enormous
passion for sex and all things sexual, sensual, exotic and perverse.
 As
a kid I had a thing for drawing pictures of naked people. I was raised in a strict
Irish-Catholic family. Sex was never discussed, but the suggestion of anything
remotely sexual as well as the naked body and the nude in art was considered sinful.
My passion for nude drawing was a shameful secret. In my household there was some
physical and mental abuse from family members and my way to escape was through
a fantasy world: mostly drawing but also cinema, television, and pretend acting.
As a kid I had a passion for Marilyn Monroe who was also considered sinful in
the eyes of my parents and the church. Sometimes I even fantasized that she was
my real mother and I was an orphan just like her. At the same time, I knew that
I was gay and that my feelings and passions, even my hobbies were considered at
best inappropriate. Always an outsider, painfully shy. My childhood was something
I just wanted to get through. I continued with my drawings but mindful of what
people would think of me. I would go to art school in New York. Then I would start
my life.
 I
met my first of too many lovers at age 18. He was 32 and was all about the world
of S & M and leather, drugs, mind games and control. I didn't know what being
gay was about and I wanted more than anything to belong and to be loved at any
cost. That was the start of a twenty year pattern of relationships that were usually
sexually-charged but somewhat abusive and short lasting. My art interests turned
toward photography and I found great satisfaction in expressing myself (finally)
through photographing nudes but still as proud as I was of my work, I was equally
ashamed.
Last year I attended a weekend retreat entitled "Gay Men on
the Frontier: Fusing our Sexual and Spiritual Energies." In all honesty, my
interest in attending this seminar was my way of facing my problem with shyness.
I wanted to interact with a group of people, despite the subject matter.
I soon realized that when it comes to sex, I was not so shy and
quite enthusiastic. There were open discussions and sharing of each other's sexual
histories, as were early memories of sexual awareness and the awareness of love
and security and how possibly they were, at least to me, somewhat related. Bodywork
made me realize how little my body was actually awakened. The small amount of
body awakened was limited to my upper body. The group experimented with breathing
and "rotating" exercises while we were doing them a few memories and feelings
would pop up. A realization that as beautiful as I think the human body is, I
was so ashamed of and disconnected from my own. Sharing my sexual history with
other people (along with my attitudes toward sex) helped me to put my sexuality
in a kind of perspective that became clear to me. A desire to connect - to belong
- to feel good about my body. How I was repeating unfulfilled patterns, the "Marilyn"
in me, and how I channel my seductive energies. Innocent and vulnerable at then
same time aggressive and boldly sexual.
Memories of a Puerto Rican Foster brother and how much he meant to me growing
up, the construction workers I grew up around, Catholic images- Christ on the
cross- suffering, pain, his body so beautiful and my shame of feeling that way.
A discovery of what it is that I want from sex, from my partner(s). Can there
be spiritual fulfillment through sex?
Nearly a year later I am enjoying an extremely satisfying and
loving relationship with someone who I feel safe with and who I can talk to about
my sexual history and attitudes. We are both nature lovers and the time that we
spend in nature not only makes me feel more connected with my spirituality and
how important nature is to me but also a connection that I forgot about with my
father. The only time I truly felt close to him was when he would take me hiking
in the woods.
Joe invites your questions and comments.
You may contact him here.
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