 ontrary
to what many of us learned, fantasies are not actions and they are the furthest
things from sin I can imagine. In much of the sexual counseling I do, many are
curious about where their fantasies come from. They often feel shame for having
them. Yet the one thing we all agree on is that the most secret fantasies are
the juiciest. How interesting this is! I explain to my clients that in my many
years of research on sexual fantasy this is what I discovered: They are mysterious
and they are to be respected.
Sometimes their origin is almost obvious--from a Freudian or deep
psychology perspective of our personal histories. Sometimes
they have remnants of early abuse and violations. Even if
they do have conscious histories there are still mysterious
elements to them. Often, however, there in no conscious recollection
as to why one might have a particular fantasy or fetish. I
have known people, myself included, who have had transpersonal
experiences (particularly during ecstatic sex or other non-ordinary
states of consciousness, like breathwork or hypnosis) where
they discover in a visceral way that some fantasies come from
beyond this lifetime.
Fantasies and the "juice" within them are to be de-shamed. In
doing so, we are able to fall more deeply in love with ourselves. This self-love
is essential to grow in sacred sexuality. We do not have to act on our fantasies
or fetishes. Having them does not mean we are bad or that something is wrong with
us. As we de-shame them and bring the juice from them into safe relationship with
our partners and ourselves we again meet God, or the universal spirit. Only
shame is God-less. The juice within these fantasies and the way they continue
to transform as they are de-shamed is part of what keeps a long-term relationship
sexually alive. Margo Anand describes this transformation as an process of alchemy,
in The Art of Sexual Magic:
"Like a true alchemist, you learn how to turn
the base metal of your own energy into the purest gold."
Many of us are afraid of letting our wild primordial nature (be
it aggressive or passive) and fantasy world become exposed,
because it could hurt someone or ourselves. There is this
possibility, and it is important to be ethical and responsible
in relationship as well as in every other avenue of our life.
As they say, there is a time and place for everything. In
Anand's book, she quotes Jenny: I realized that it is love
that allows people to be wild while holding aggression in
check...If there is a strong, deep heart connection between
two people, then you can go totally wild and yet at the same
time remain sensitive enough to stay playful and not hurt
each other
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